By Mike Errico

An overview on how to deal with the inevitable speed bump of live performance: the drunken, howling d-bag.

The Batshit: Instead of hearing new material for his next Arsenio spot, Bill Hicks fans witness a spectacular new chapter in heckler history.

The Casual Death Threat: Radiohead’s Thom Yorke proves it’s cool not to care: He tosses out a simple invitation to a backstage beatdown, and gets back to business. Done and done.

The Communist Manifesto: By immediately aligning himself with the audience, George Carlin strips the heckler of his anonymity, turns the whole room against him, abuses both him and his mom, and is awesome in the process. There’s a reason this man’s a legend.

The Rocky Balboa: Instead of cowering in the face of derision at a Philly show, comedian Bill Burr fires back, blow for blow. He abuses the audience simply by using every agonizing second of his allotted set time to massacre the city and its inhabitants (highlight: “Fuck the Liberty Bell.”). The result: Standing O. Go figure.

The Appeal to the Judges: Serena Williams’ concerns are justified, but by airing them to the umpire, she makes him complicit in potential charges of sexual harassment and hate crime. It’s less hands-on than Jimmy Connors might have handled it, but effective, nonetheless.

The Crotchety Grandpa: Ronald Reagan, aka the Great Communicator, lays it out like a fart at the Thanksgiving table.

The Wrath of God: By placing the mic close to the mouth and speaking quietly through the amplified P.A. system, a performer can create a kind of disembodied “God voice,” and from that vantage point can concoct the offender’s miserable inner monologue. Henry Rollins is good at this.

The “Heckler’s Mom”: If you’re not good at improvising, simply have something prepared in advance.

The Violent Act of… Violence: At the end of the day, all most performers want to do to a heckler is bust a goddamn guitar over his drunken skull. This guy lived the dream.

The Cut and Run: Because sometimes, you’ve got to know when to walk away…and know when to run.

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Mike Errico official site: http://www.errico.com

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By Mike Errico

A friend urged me to come witness the death rattle of music retail, happening in the middle of Times Square, NYC. He writes:

“Hey Musicfolk,

I wanted to urge you to make a stop by a strange event if you haven’t yet. The Virgin Megastore in Time Square closes early next month and I happened upon it’s clearance sale the other day.

I know that many of us are all too aware of the pains, the cracking and the changing of the retail music business as we’ve known it…but Virgin, as it is operating for these next couple of weeks, stands as a haunting museum of recorded music in decline. It’s a kind of spooky mausoleum and also a rare glimpse behind the curtain of retail.

The offerings are interesting, at a minimum of 40% off everything in the store. But the merchandise is no longer under control. Titles are everywhere misfiled and product is piled all around in this joint that was not long ago still carefully curated. There’s still a lot of great stuff available, but the expertly cultivated value of the objects on display has been largely violated. Clerks stand at registers scanning CD’s and discussing the surrounding scene with anyone who asks. There are absurd sore thumbs, like the brand new U2 album in it’s deluxe form…cd, dvd, poster, booklet…originally priced at a ghastly $104 and gleaming sadly in its own display case.

It may sound depressing, and in ways it certainly is. But like any really good depressing movie it’s also a rare opportunity to feel this thing differently. Go take it in if you can. It’s history.”

I loved it there. I literally used to browse, like a woman on lunch break in the blouse section of Loehman’s.

Is there a blouse section?

Whatever. You get what I mean.

PS, plus some irony: The storefront will be taken over by Forever 21.

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Mike Errico official site: http://www.errico.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Mike-Errico/8888939428
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/Tallboy7Vids

I think this list in Sound and Vision magazine is a bit ’70s and ’80s oriented, but that is both the era of the epic and the era of the album, so I let it slide. Regardless of time frame, you probably should know #1 without looking….

The 25 Most Epic Opening Rock Tracks

Sure, you can make a ballad with a sexy sax solo the first thing people hear on your new record…but why? Here are 25 bands that know how to make a first impression–with thunderous guitar riffs, plane crashes and cathedral bells that signal sonic apocalypse.

LINK: http://www.soundandvisionmag.com/features/3123/the-25-most-epic-opening-rock-tracks.html

By Mike Errico

I bet you get a lot of email forwards about “finding your inner [whatever].” Perhaps your mom sends them, like Trojan horses for comments about how she’ll die never having held a grandchild. That you’re ripping simple joys from the woman who bore you. And do you know how much it hurt? Like a bitch. That’s how much.

Consider your options, from people who teeter on the same edge you do.

1) Here’s a video from Elizabeth Gilbert, the woman who wrote Eat Pray Love, and no I didn’t read it. I also didn’t read Eats, Shoots & Leaves — I thought was a porn film. I mean, c’mon. Perfect porn title? Anyway, She’s in hell. She kinda hides it, but not well. I mean, her next book is a guaranteed flop compared to the last one, and she knows it. Alanis Morrissette had the same problem… see where I’m going?

So, what next? Her answer is simple: Just show up for work. That’s it. Drag that goddamn pen ceaselessly across the page. And people will say what they will. Eff ‘em.

I knew nothing about this woman and never read the book, but still wanted to hate this video. I suck that way. Turns out, it’s pretty interesting, especially if you’re exhausted with the completely overused stamp of “GENIUS.” She traces the word’s history to its origins, and as a result, liberates anyone who ever tried to make so much as a pinch pot or oven mitt for the mother that hates you (see above).

CLICK THE PICTURE FOR GUARANTEED OPRAH-FREE VIDEO

2) Then there’s David Foster Wallace, the subject of an amazing article in last week’s New Yorker. Revered as a genius, he caught an era of literary fiction in amber… and freaked out. He’d had problems all along, but after a few suicide attempts, he hanged himself September 12, 2008, leaving an unfinished book that, DAMN IT, sounded like it was going to be awesome. It was going to be set in the I.R.S., where he would have offered our over-entertained nation the power of boredom as a force for change… or something. I mean, he didn’t finish it, so he leaves it to jackasses like me to “interpret.”

CLICK FOR NEW YORKER ARTICLE

The result? Unfinished work.

I’m not telling you which way to go on this one. (I know you come to Velvet Rope for all your life-and-death decision-making needs, so I offer that as a legal disclaimer.) I’m just saying that you’re making the kind of choice that big shots make every day. I’m just saying welcome to the club.

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Mike Errico official site: http://www.errico.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Mike-Errico/8888939428
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/Tallboy7Vids

Gamers, rejoice. Here’s the press release:

Apple Corps Ltd., MTV, and Harmonix announce The Beatles: Rock Band, worldwide release set for 9/9/09

New York, NY - March 5, 2009 - Apple Corps Ltd., Harmonix, and MTV Games, a part of Viacom’s MTV Networks, today announced the 9/9/09 worldwide release of The Beatles: Rock Band (thebeatlesrockband.com). The music-based videogame — an unprecedented, experiential progression through and celebration of the music and artistry of the Beatles — will be available simultaneously worldwide in North America, Europe, Australia, New Zealand, and other territories for the Xbox 360 videogame and entertainment system from Microsoft, the PlayStation3 computer entertainment system from Sony, and the Wii home videogame console from Nintendo.

The Beatles: Rock Band will allow fans to pick up the guitar, bass, mike, or drums and experience the Beatles’ extraordinary catalog of music through gameplay that takes players on a journey through the legacy and evolution of the band’s legendary career. In addition, The Beatles: Rock Band will offer a limited number of new hardware offerings modeled after instruments used by John Lennon, Paul McCartney, George Harrison, and Ringo Starr throughout their career.

The Beatles: Rock Band will be offered as standalone software and hardware as well as a limited-edition bundle. The game will be compatible with all Rock Band instrument controllers and other current music-based videogame peripherals.

Beatles 2 Available on 9/9/09:

The Beatles: Rock Band
software - Xbox 360, PS3, Wii: $59.99 MSRP

The Beatles: Rock Band
standalone guitars - Xbox 360, PS3, Wii: $99.99 MSRP

The Beatles: Rock Band
Limited Edition Bundle - Xbox 360, PS3, Wii: $249.99 MSRP

Please note: Pricing outside of the U.S. to be announced at a later date.

The Beatles: Rock Band marks the first time that Apple Corps — along with EMI Music, Harrisongs Ltd., and Sony/ATV Music Publishing — has agreed to present the Beatles’ music in an interactive videogame format. The Beatles: Rock Band will be published by MTV Games and developed by Harmonix, the world’s premier music videogame company and creators of the best-selling Rock Band. Electronic Arts will serve as distribution partner for the game. In addition, Giles Martin, co-producer of the Beatles’ innovative LOVE album project, is providing his expertise and serving as Music Producer for this groundbreaking Beatles project.

Exclusive content created by Apple Corps, MTV Games, and Harmonix will be made available to fans over the next few months who participate in a pre-order campaign through major retailers. More details on The Beatles: Rock Band game and pre-order will be revealed in the coming months.

Please visit thebeatlesrockband.com

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Mike Errico official site: http://www.errico.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Mike-Errico/8888939428
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/Tallboy7Vids