By Mike Errico

An overview on how to deal with the inevitable speed bump of live performance: the drunken, howling d-bag.

The Batshit: Instead of hearing new material for his next Arsenio spot, Bill Hicks fans witness a spectacular new chapter in heckler history.

The Casual Death Threat: Radiohead’s Thom Yorke proves it’s cool not to care: He tosses out a simple invitation to a backstage beatdown, and gets back to business. Done and done.

The Communist Manifesto: By immediately aligning himself with the audience, George Carlin strips the heckler of his anonymity, turns the whole room against him, abuses both him and his mom, and is awesome in the process. There’s a reason this man’s a legend.

The Rocky Balboa: Instead of cowering in the face of derision at a Philly show, comedian Bill Burr fires back, blow for blow. He abuses the audience simply by using every agonizing second of his allotted set time to massacre the city and its inhabitants (highlight: “Fuck the Liberty Bell.”). The result: Standing O. Go figure.

The Appeal to the Judges: Serena Williams’ concerns are justified, but by airing them to the umpire, she makes him complicit in potential charges of sexual harassment and hate crime. It’s less hands-on than Jimmy Connors might have handled it, but effective, nonetheless.

The Crotchety Grandpa: Ronald Reagan, aka the Great Communicator, lays it out like a fart at the Thanksgiving table.

The Wrath of God: By placing the mic close to the mouth and speaking quietly through the amplified P.A. system, a performer can create a kind of disembodied “God voice,” and from that vantage point can concoct the offender’s miserable inner monologue. Henry Rollins is good at this.

The “Heckler’s Mom”: If you’re not good at improvising, simply have something prepared in advance.

The Violent Act of… Violence: At the end of the day, all most performers want to do to a heckler is bust a goddamn guitar over his drunken skull. This guy lived the dream.

The Cut and Run: Because sometimes, you’ve got to know when to walk away…and know when to run.

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Mike Errico official site: http://www.errico.com

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Taunted by idiots up front? Tired of getting beer thrown at you? Some nights you just want to kick someone’s ass. Let the experts show you how it’s done.

Build Your Case: A svelte Black Flag-era Henry Rollins allows some mulleted d-bag to taunt him repeatedly while receding into the crowd between swings. Strangely patient for someone with that many neck veins, Rollins just waits, lets the fan tire himself out, and maybe get a little sloppy before bringing the unholy heat.

Take Care of Business: Green Day songs are always straight to the point, and it’s obvious that Billie Joe Armstrong brings the same aesthetic to lil’ mohawked m-f’ers. After the fan declines an invitation to fight on stage, Armstrong takes the fight to him, wins (though it’s hard to tell in the chaos), taunts his rival, apologizes to the crowd and intros the next song. That’s a pro, folks.

Use Your Tools: A seasoned veteran, Keith Richards is aware that more torque can be generated with a Fender Telecaster than with heroin-soaked wrists. I mean, that’s just science. So when the balloons fall and an idiot runs on stage pursued by a roadie, Keith delivers the goods.

Farm Out Your Beatings: Angus Young is the greatest rock and roll guitarist ever, which means he doesn’t have time for people who think they can huck full beers at him. Far wiser than Axl, who’d have put a boot in this dude’s eye, Angus simply has the offender brought to him, mafia-style, and tweaks his nose, sidestepping lawsuits and making his point. It’s doubtful that guy’s nose was in the same shape by the end of the night.

Give the Drummer Some: At a wild Texas show, Kurt Cobain gets a couple great shots taken at him from, of all people, the security guy, who allegedly had been beating on fans all night, you know, in the name of security. I’ve never seen a drummer jump out from behind a kit faster than Dave Grohl does, here, and though he’s skinny, he looks like the kind of guy you’d have to kill to stop from coming at you. Drummers are usually the only band members in any kind of physical shape, which is a big reason why drum machines haven’t been able to replace them.

Ask Yourself, “What Would Axl Do?” I think we all know. If his spontaneity had only affected his creative output, we’d be on Chinese Democracy XVII by now.

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Mike Errico official site: http://www.errico.com
Facebook: http://www.facebook.com/pages/Mike-Errico/8888939428
YouTube: http://www.youtube.com/Tallboy7Vids